To the distant few if any at all, hi.  its been a while since i wrote on here because my thoughts have been so scattered and so unclear to me lately that if I wrote them down I would be confused.  Never a good thing, but i guess you get used to it eventually.  So live for me lately has been up and down I say more down than up.  Transitioning back into the flow of school and work again has been good but also alot of work.  Classes are interesting and fun but again alot of work and time needed to be invested.  Going to kick my ass if i dont keep on it.  working is decent not exactly a fun and exciting job that I have but its a little cash in hand and Im still working on the Costco job up here if that could work out that would be awesome, we will see. 

The biggest struggle of all however has been me personally.  Emotions, thoughts, feelings, have been hard to control and figure out sort out and be in a state of positive and happiness.  I was listening to this song thats a little old school but hitting the spot:  Babyface Nobody Knows it but Me.  a great song kinda mellow but something that I have been feeling lately.  "My world is just a tumbling down, The nights are lonely the days are so sad and I just keep thinking about the love that we had, and Im missing you but nobody knows it but me."  just a bit from the chorus. 

The struggle deals with Jen.  We have been broken up for a couple months now but it feels like it was yesterday where we sat next to each other laughing smiling talking cuddling and I was walking on air.  I wish i could turn back time, back to the happiest time of my life.  Unfortunately I cant.  When we broke up it was the hardest thing.  She was that one fish in the sea that everyone searches for looks for and truely hopes to find, and when you get it you want to keep it treasure it take pictures of it so you can show everyone what you have how happy and proud you are of it and brag about it.  all my life I have been rejected laughed at not liked or seen as someone that anyone would want to date.  Then God sent me an angel and for that moment in time I was so lucky to have her as a friend a best friend and as someone who loved me and I loved.  It seemed all too good to be true... and I guess I was right about that. 

I know its been hard becuase we didnt break up directly due to something I did or any problems dealing with the realationship.  She needed personal time away from a relationship figure things out be on her own single and i respected that.  she said she wanted to be single for a while and said she wanted to get back with me just not sure when.  She has gone through alot and i feel bad its not fair that she has had to go through and deal with what she has had to she is the sweetest person in the world she deserves to be happy and to have the best.  and she is happy now, its just not with me.  She is now dating someone else so she has another boyfriend I guess that means she is over me.  who wouldnt want to date a smart sophisticated pretty girl though. 

What matters is that she is happy and thats all I want for her.  To be happy.  Even though it hurts me to see it I guess its the way it was meant to be.  :-/  But my feelings my thoughts my respect my caring for her will never ever change or go away.  She still is the love of my life and my best friend ever.  she will always be the greatest thing that ever happened to me I just wish I could have held on to her.  I part of me will always hold hope that I could have her back....

Well everyone have a great night and being so busy I dont update very often so maybe i will make a stop by again soon.  take care

I've come to realize the things im passionate about, my friends family and school, I care deeply about.  The people i associate with hang out with spend time with talk with care about love charish, are so very important to me as well as what i do from sports to singing and studying for my major in college.  With that being said i find myself constantly working and trying hard with all of it to make things good for friends family and school.  when there are problems at home with my younger brother struggling or tension between parents and him, Im deeply troubled focus alot of time and thought into it and try to figure things out and try to fix them if i can.  it effects me brings me down depresses and makes me sad.  same with friends, they struggle i struggle and fight with them.  I try hard to make things better or make the friendships work out best and be at a point both are happy and comfortable.  what my fault is though and i have just started to realize this more and more... but the more i care about something or the more it means to me i try that much harder.  whether its trying to be that friend there to support and listen, or make it as easy comfortable for that person despite our history and my feelings.  I try way too hard i feel its better to put more effort into things but it works in the opposite way, it hurts me and the friendship and Im left with someone mad at me... because i try so hard to be cautious not to do anything that would upset or offend them and be in the right and i find a way to not be.  my life is a struggle a constant challenge and every day is a continuation, i just hope i get it figured out before the most meaningful important things in my life leave and dont come back.  the same is with school.  when i am doing a project or paper i work really hard and Im a perfectionist that i do and redo it about 12 times before im somewhat satisfied with it.  im sitting at deadlines the night before its due trying to finish it because i spent too much time on one part and hadnt just tried to finish it.  that carries over in other aspects of my life too.

the other night i pulled a me.... you probably could look up in the dictionary and find me there under:  the guy who cares so much and tries too hard that he fucks it up... the one person i never want to be mad at me upset or fight with i try so hard to avoid that and it finds me every turn i make.  as we laid there on my bed cuddling napping and what not for probably 3 or more hours.... man just to lay next to her knowing she was there was the most awesome thing in the world.  i was giving her a back rub cause i know her back bothers her constantly and wanted to give a nice gesture.. then she turned on her side and was facing me pretty close to me.  i asked if she wanted to cuddle and she said sure, again at this point no thoughts or plans of anything were on my mind.  our faces were so close they were practically touching.  as we laid there cuddling eyes closed i feel her to move her head back and forth making her nose rub mine.  i sat there for a bit not sure what to make of it.  (again the one thing i dont want to do is fuck things up and do something to do that... so the over cautious me is there thinking this situation long and hard)  she kept doing that and i moved so i rubber her nose back and i paused hesitated and i was peaking at her ever so slightly through this.  i moved thinking about maybe she wants me to kiss her... but i was scared.  so as i moved in that motion to kiss her, i opened my eyes to look and as i moved in her head tilted back and she puckered up before i kissed her, i took that as a sign and i went through with it.  we kissed but it wasnt like those kisses where i go in kissing and she isnt sure and sits there the first moment we kissed we both went into it and it was a deep harder kiss.  we then stopped and she came at me and kissed me hard.  after that we laid there for a bit then she sat up.  and thats when i found out i was out of line for kissing her.  the one thing i thought i avoided i once again did it... i was completely at fault and i hated myself and was so pissed off at myself.  ya i still have feelings for jen those will never go away,  but the absolutely last thing i want is for her to feel uncomfortable or scared to hang out or talk to me.  i wanted a time that we as friends could hang out spend time have a good time and celebrate a happy time in her life where she was at how she was doing and being 21. 

I then found out last night that even before she came down she was figuring something was going to happen and setting up the i knew it thoughts before she was even down here.  if the day was scored on a scale from 1-10 10 being the best day in the world,  i was at a negative 5 before it started.  the faith wasnt there in me of being someone she could just hang out with she already had me nailed so if im guilty of doing something before i do it... what do i do then?  as much as that kinda hurt knowing that... i guess i should expect it.  i am the ex boyfriend who still loves and thinks the world of her so its my fault. 

I know im at fault and im working and trying so hard i dont want to take advantage of her. if anyone thinks im selfish or dont think i think about what im doing before it happens doesnt know me or doesnt give me a chance.  80 percent of my energy trying so hard to help and make things right for the other person my own agenda isnt even in mind or play most of the time.  i dont want to loose her the one person that truely knows me understands me that i can trust and talk to about anything and everything for hourrs upon hours... she means so much i got to try not to try so hard through it all and thats the hardest thing to do... she is the one person that really makes me want to be a better person and have confidence in myself and abilities and be happy with who i am. 

tonight Jen came down to visit and hang out.  it was nice to see her and have her come down hang out and talk with the family.  however, no matter how much i thought i had it figured out worked out or to the point that i was comfortbale and able to be friends hang out without it being wierd or awkward... i seem to find a way.  we hung out chatted then decided to lay down and take a nap, this idea only came up on my end cause of last night when jen and i talked at 2:30 am and i had to work she said i should take a nap and she would with me.  of course i thought this was a cool idea being blind to the reprocussions that may come as a result.  we lay there dozing next to each other i then rub her back for probably over 2 hours as we laid there.  i saw it as a nice gesture i enjoy doing that help her relax and i know her back constantly bothers her.  anyways being me i ask if she would like to cuddle and the first time she said no but after a while i asked again she said sure.  that led to kissing.  which was enjoyable and something i didnt think would happen for a very long time and i was shocked and surprised that it did happen.  that however was awkward.  on both sides i didnt want that to ruin or upset or cause problems between us.  what i thought was a mutual thing happened to be me initiating it all.  i tell ya you think i would learn and figure this out by now. 

oh thats not all after that we went to dinner and things seemed to be better nice chat and such but me being me again i fuck it up.  say stupid things and she gets upset.  im not mad at her cause she has every right to be upset with me.  i gotta get better at beign a friend and just taking things as they come and not going nito things deeper or setting up for hurt. 

as she goes through this time of finding herself being happy with who she is and what she is doing, i need to do the same.  we talked quite a bit and i told her about alot of what struggles i go through trying so hard to get past stereotypes or past experiences she has had that i may get classified into.  that happens and is expected cause with every event or thing that goes on we learn and gain from those experiences.  it just sucks when you start out you are already behind. 

i say im sorry too much and i did tonight i gotta do something about it instead of just saying im sorry.  she means the world to me and the way i go about showing it sometimes is upsetting her... brilliant J...  up until today it seemed like things were going pretty good with us as friends talking and being civil without arguments or frustrations coming up...  i dont want them to be existent at all.. i just want to be Jon and Jen.  and have smiles not frowns associated with that. 

so its been a while since i updated last.  i know i am talking to myself with this blogdrive i am convinced no one reads this thing.  but thats ok.  it would be cool to have people stop by and have or show interest in whats going on or just say hi.  i would probably update more often if that were the case. 

I know the main purpose for this is to just let me express things i want to talk about show whats going on with me.  but another part is to seek outside opinions on things i might not understand of be able to figure out on my own after trying for a while. 

so on a rare occasion, I post two entries in one day.  I would like to say this will continue but i dont want to get any readers, most im sure are lost and stumbled onto my blog, any false hopes. 

Today is Sunday, it was a beautiful day outside warm sun shining peaceful, I got to work this morning always exciting.  Slept for a bit was so tired today, got woken up by brother blaring music, really considerate i know!  and then two of them arguing waking me up for the second time.  fun times then i sat in my room watched a movie and then went and hung out with dan whom i felt pretty bad cause he was going to go do something with lacey and nikki but because i wasnt there he didnt go...  we hung out for a bit then i left cause they were off to go drive to vancouver and homeward bound i went. 

My everest.... my everest the toughest challenge to conquere is myself.  its a constant battle one that is either at a stale mate or a loosing one.  along with that life is my everest, trying to get by day to day feeling good about myself (again a battle inside a battle)  while feeling good about what im doing and trying to have fun doing it.  I have low confidence in myself and alot of the times i feel as if most could care less.  there are those around me that care about me and how im doing and i appreciate and love them with all my heart.  some of those however are on and off.  they care one minute and not the next as if its when its convenient for them.  and a few always seem to care and do what they can if needed.  I want to be an independant person and I have tried to be to do the things needed on my own to be happy and feel good about myself.  but that is a battle that i win some days and loose the next, constantly back and forth.  i probably put too much value in the people around me and what they think and feel, I dont let them decide things for me or dictate how i live my life, but they are important to me and i look to them for wisdom help support and caring. 

I want to know that the people i hang out with or spend time with and care about are worth it for me care about me and want me there too.  again some are half and half while others i know they do even though they dont show it so much.  i give alot of myself to those around me,  my best friend was talking about committing suicide i put myself in there to make sure he's ok am scared and concerned and what happens im blown off and he's too busy to talk to his best friend.  thats not the first time things like that has happened.  the next time i saw him i was a little bitter about it all but he pretends nothing happened.  bullshit if you ask me.  i guess i just have to get used to those types of things and blow them off. 

this weekend for me wasnt one of the best i admit my family was gone friends were busy doing their own thing me stuck at home.  Jen my best friend and person who i care about with all my heart was gone camping.  I had never felt like i needed her there for me more than i did this weekend.  i know i have to be strong confident in my decisions and what i do and think, but i really needed to have her there to talk to and reassure me of things and just listen. 

life is a lesson everything that goes on is a test of our strengths as individuals and as groups.  as hard as we try to stand on our own support is needed.  as hard as you try to stand on one foot you can only do it for a while until you need either the other foot or something else to support you.  our lives are like that.  we can try to do it all on our own but there comes a time where we need that other foot to help us stand strong.  right now i have gone as long as i can and im about to fall over.

hope everyone had a good weekend.  mine was interesting probably had a little bit of everything thrown into it. 

My parents and younger brother went with my grandparents camping for the weekend.  it was a spur of the moment thing so even if i wanted to go with i couldnt cause of work.  oh well next time i guess.  so instead i got to stay home and deal with the fun stuff that goes on around here.  My best friend had a bad day so he decided to freak everyone out and say he was going to kill himself.  as i try to talk to him see if hes ok and see whats up I am blown off by him like its no big deal.  I come to realize this weekend that in some cases he doesnt give a shit about the people around him whether it be girls or his best friends.  he told me he was fine and would call me later but then told me he had plans and was too busy to call me that night.  still never called me.  also that night (and this is on top of a day that wasnt the best of days)  i had to work at 6 am on saturday so i went to bed and the kids across the street were loud as all get out till 1:30.  Then the fun really happened.  aaron went out with this girl to one of his friends parties i guess adn she brought him home... apparently this girl thought she was staying the night at our house but aaron told her no went inside and locked the door went to bed.  she decides to hang out in front of our house.  she's on the cell phone talking loud has a guy with her pounding on our door messing with my car all at the wonderful hour of 3:30 am.  ya thats right!  stupid people.  i tried to ignore the first knock on the door figuring maybe they would get the hint and leave, once the guy came up and pounded on the door again i had had enough.  I got dressed and went downstairs and told them off.  the girl wouldnt get it through her head that she wasnt staying at my house after i told her she wasnt i told her to go home or i would call the cops.  finally after 10 minutes they left.  then i got to go back to bed for less than two hours!! it was fun....

other than that my weekend was working doing inventory at costco working and sitting around.  yup exciting. 

its been a while since i updated so i thought i would.  its getting close to the time when i head back to school i get to move into the house with some friends so that will be a different experience.  we will see how it goes. 

Jen i guess was writing me an email then decided to post it in her blog.  i have been thinking about what she has said and rereading it several times this weekend.  she was gone camping so she was busy and we didnt talk at all.  i sent her some text messages but she probably didnt get them..  hopefully she had a good time hanging out with family and camping. 

well until next time take care..

i hope everyone is doing well on this sunday.  Im hanging in there.  today we had family over grandma grampa two aunts and cousins, a celebration of my mom's and aunt Lisa's bdays.  we had a bbq and just hung out so that was pretty cool. 

it seems as if my life is on rinse lather repeat mode.  I go to work come home sleep sit around the house sleep go to work and repeat the process.  not much is going on right now thats exciting or fun.  I look back two months ago and its a whole different picture.  that is the way life goes a big rollercoaster of ups and downs good times fun times and sad lonely not so good times.  its how we get through these times that shows our true character our determination our pride in ourselves and those around us and what we do.  I try to stay positive put a smile on my face look to the brighter side of things but right now im at that point.  it feels like i have been here so many times before, and i have.  I know i have friends and family that care about me i know this to be true but even so i wish i could see it more or hear it more or just have that sense that someone is there for me caring about me and how im doing.  I had that and still do in a sense but its changed. 

My best friend in the whole world, Jen, has been that strength and stability in my life that i really have never had before.  she brought out alot in me confidence happiness and a brightness in my future.  when we dated we would just sit on the phone and talk didnt matter about what could be anything from mariners to weather to deep meaningful conversations.  it didnt matter what it was about it was just wonderful to have someone to talk to about anything and never seemed to get boring.  someone who was excited to talk to me and share things with me about her, her life, and her day.  and someone i could confide to and trust and open up to, I've never had that comfort in any of my close friends or best friends.  for over a month now we have been broken up, from a relationship that felt so perfect and good.  she had alot of bad things thrown her way in her life that she had to try and deal with.  its been tough for her and a break from the relationship is what she needed so she could focus on those aspects so she can in turn bring her life back into the positive and be able to be happy with herself and her life and smile again.  as much as i tried to make her happy and be that positive in her life, it wasnt enough nothing i could do would have been enough because i couldnt fix it or do anything about what she was dealing with, it was something she had to deal with on her own.  so as a result our conversations have been short and online its been a change and i miss those talks we used to have. 

Jen has been taking some online classes and written some beautiful poems and it inspired me to write some myself.  I have written songs and poems in the past but its been a very long time.  I thought i would post and share with you one of the ones i wrote and see what you guys think.  Its been a while since i have written here so thought i could kill two birds with one stone. :-)  well enjoy and have a great weekend!

Something Special

Who am I to tell you why
But I'm just curious, were you furious?
Or did you swallow your pride
And look her in the eye and
Tell her that you love her
Tell her that you need her
Tell her that you want her to stay
Reassure her with a kiss
She may never know unless you
Show her what your feeling
Tell her you're believing
Even though it's hard to say
'Cause she needs to know you're thinking of her
So open up and

tell her that you love her

i went to someone's blog and i saw this poem and i thought it was beautiful.  I just thought i would share it with you as well.  this poem speaks to me alot and makes me realize alot about myself how i am and how i can be better.  i need to swallow my pride and not just say things but show and act upon the things i say to show her i care and that Im believing in her.  the way i can show i love her is giving her and showing her the respect she deserves be the friend she needs swallow my pride and things with me and pray for a happy ending.  through this hard time i have found out alot about myself how I am how i act. 

Im listening to a song by Blessid Union of Souls:  I believe.  and its singing to me right now.  the first thing it states that we need to walk blindly to the light and reach out for his hand dont ask any questions and dont try to understand open up your mind and then open up your heart you will see you and me arent very far apart.  this is a thing we need to do we need to think clearly be in the right on our thoughts actions and how we go about things.  my heart has alot of passion alot of caring and it leads me alot sometimes and in order to walk straighter i have to open up my mind and see things clearer so i dont get hurt or hurt others and know whats best to do.   this song says I believe that love is the answer and that love will find a way.  and with that its my belief. 

showing we care or love someone doesnt have to be giving them a kiss or a hug or saying i love you whenever we get the chance, or buying them things.  sometimes its something totally different that we do that can mean the world to them because its what they need most at that point.  Im realizing this mor and more.  to show i love her i need to be an understanding friend supportive and know and respect what she wants to accomplish and not have an agenda and make things more complicated.  I have done that before and it hurts me because it hurts her. 

I also realize i am so lucky.  i have alot to be happy about.  i have a best friend in Jen and she is so wonderful caring and one of a kind and Im thankful i have a friend in her someone so special, not alot of people get a chance to meet and be friends with someone like her.  she shows me teaches me and gives me so much even if she doesnt think she does anything i gain so much for just being able to hang out with her and talk with her.  she is so smart she amazes me every day and i learn something new about her about life and about myself every day because of her.  its true and wonderful.  for that I am thankful and happy.  I know its not the same as it was before but I do have alot to be happy and thankful for and I will take it. 

Well hope your Monday was a good one mine consisted of waking up at 3 and going to work from 3-12:30.  it wasnt too bad made 80 bucks today.  well take care leave me a message and talk to you later!

yesterday i got a chance to go visit jen while she was at work and then go with her to her grandparents house for her dad's birthday get together.  that was alot of fun to see her and just hang out.  and hanging out with her family is always a treat too.  it was  a short visit because i had to get up early the next mornign at 3:30 to work at costco.  i tell ya my internal clock is all screwy at times with my work schedule.  but ya gotta do what you gotta do. 

last night as i was leaving i was saying goodbye and goodnight and turned out to be the biggest doofus in the world.  i basically dug a hole deep enough to get to china.  after giving jen a hug i asked if i could give her a kiss not sure if this was ok or even appropriate but i should have known and shouldnt have asked but me being the smart individual i am and having one of my bright shining moments asked.  beign kinda nervous and worrying about the response from her as soon as i got a vibe from her i knew i crossed a line and wanted desperately to take it back.  then i froze and lost words to say because i was embarassed for myself for asking.  oh but it gets better i asked again on the cheak and stupid me.  i was so mad at myself for ruining what seemed like a great day just hanging out.  all the positive and fun we had was whiped away and forgotten at that moment. 

that happens with me things can be going great happy fun doing good nice things being thoughtful and then i trip and fall and all is forgotten but that negative sticks no matter how flaky it was.  its tough and thats the way the world works.  on a job you do all you are supposed to do and do it well efficiently and even do more than is required but that one day that you miss something or show up late is the day that sticks with them and then they look at you differently.  i know its the way it goes and I gotta handle it and be better so i dont make those costly mistakes.  but it always seems to be able to find me wherever i go.  i hope i can break that mold.

I cant appologize anymore for how i was because it looses validity.  all i can do is do better and not have it happen next time.  so heres to a promise to myself and to jen for me to be the best i can be and resist all things that could have a negative effect on things right now.   to be the best friend i can be and in turn i hope i get a best friend in return there for me and supporting me.  but all i can do is not demand or be selfish i am a friend giving what i can to be there for her.  giving of myself.  she has her own agenda and i hope i can be a part of it.